Friday, October 9, 2015

Deja Vu

I feel like I have written this post before. Oh wait...I have..

We went in on Wednesday for our 8 week ultrasound to check on baby. I hadn't had any reason to believe that anything was wrong. I was still feeling pregnant. Had the symptoms. However, as soon as the ultrasound started, I knew. I thought..."Here we go again.", "This is happening again.". I knew that our baby was gone. I knew by the size that it wasn't much bigger than it was two weeks ago at our 1st u/s. I didn't see that little flicker. I could also tell by the look on the tech's face, that we had lost the baby. We had lost our 6th baby. The tech called a dr in to confirm what I already knew. He said, "I'm sorry, but there is no heartbeat." I had already been crying by this point. I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs..."Why are You doing this to us again?!?"

If I'm going to be honest, I wasn't completely shocked. I kind of knew something wasn't right after the first u/s. I knew based on my calculations, that it was almost impossible for me to only be 6 weeks pregnant at that point. I had known for almost 4 weeks by then. It just didn't add up. So for the past two weeks, it was already in my head that this one might not be ok. However, everyone else kept saying that it would be fine. That I was worried about nothing. That we would be fine and that we would have a healthy baby in May. So, now, I find myself trying not to be upset with everyone else who was giving me hope. I know it's not their fault. They can't force feelings of fear and doubt. I know that they can never have the same feelings that I do during a pregnancy. The fear that I will ALWAYS have during pregnancy.

Its crazy how much of an emotional roller coaster you can be on in such a short time. Wednesday I was angry. I was angry at God for doing this again. Angry and numb. I wasn't shocked, but I was numb. Thursday it hurt. It hurt very bad. I kind of just went through the day in a daze. Fortunately I had flowers to do for a wedding, so I had something to keep me busy. Otherwise I could have easily spent the whole day in bed crying. On top of the emotional pain, the cramping started. The process of officially miscarrying the baby had begun. Each cramp feels like a stab in the heart. Reminding me that our baby is dead.

I think that's all I'll write for now. I could go off...but I'm not sure that's the smartest thing right now. Please be in prayer for us as we go through this journey again. Pray for the emotional pain as well as the physical pain. It's going to be a long few weeks as we go through this and decide on our next step. Pray also that anger doesn't get a big hold of me. I know it's part of the grieving process, but I don't want to stay there. Thank you all for your love and support. We could not make it through this without you.

Friday, October 2, 2015

Rainbow #2!!

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding." Proverbs 3:5

Well, I have to be honest and say that I am kind of shocked that I am writing this post. Beyond thrilled, but super shocked! We found out a few weeks ago that God has decided to bless us with baby #2!! We are expecting our second rainbow, May 18, 2016! When I say I am shocked, it's because it only took us 4 months with this one. Knowing our past, I really didn't expect it to happen so soon. Which is also why these first few weeks have been very scary for me. Even though God has given us a couple pretty clear signs that things would be ok! The most obvious sign would have to be from Wednesday, Sept 2. I got my first positive home test on Friday, the 28th. Took another on Saturday and it was this is happening! Dr had me do a blood draw on Monday which came back as 16. Which is pretty low. It really scared me. This was after I had spotted a could times over the weekend. I was sure it was ending almost before it had started! For those that know anything about the HCG hormone, which is what they look at in the blood, you know that it needs to at least double every 48 hours. So I went back on Wed, the 2nd for my second draw. I was a nervous wreck! I needed the number to be at least 32 to feel more sure. It's crazy how a set of numbers can basically change your life!

So, I went in, gave my blood, and headed out. As I was leaving the West pavilion lab and went to turn left onto Wilson, 4 WHITE DOVES flew up from the field next to the building. Um...what?!? Those aren't wild! White doves are not usually just hanging out in a field. I got goose bumps. White doves are a sign of peace to many people...and I saw 4 of them! The whole drive home I was stunned. My first thought was..."everything will be ok!" But then, of course the enemy has to put his two cents in and doubt set in. That wait for the results was the longest ever!! The dr called me later that day and said that the numbers went to 35!! It did what it was supposed to! I was so excited.

I was put on progesterone right away to help sustain the pregnancy. Which is my security blanket! I scheduled an ultrasound for Sept 23 to check on baby. That day seemed to take forever to get here! The time came, we saw a baby with a heartbeat of 120! I was expecting a to be 7-8 weeks. Baby was measuring at 6 weeks.(Which means I found out that I was pregnant the earliest that is possible.) I'll be completely honest, I wasn't as excited to see baby as I thought I would be with it only measuring 6 weeks. It really scared me. When you expect one thing, and its now what you expected, it's kind of disappointing. I was really hoping to be farther past the scary stage and be further along. But that was not the way God wanted it. Seeing the heartbeat did give me some reassurance that ok...things are going ok! We have another ultrasound scheduled for Wed, Oct 7. Praying baby is growing like they should be and I should be 8 weeks by then.

I have to put my complete trust in my Heavenly Father. I know that he has big plans for this child. It's still very surreal to be saying that. That I am with child! Again! It seems like only yesterday that we were struggling to get pregnant...and stay pregnant...with our first. Now he is 18 months old and we are expanding our family again. Please pray for us and the baby. That baby will grow healthy and strong like it's supposed to. Please pray for complete peace for me as I embrace the fact that I am carrying another blessing. Your prayers are greatly appreciated! We feel beyond blessed to have the love and support that we do!

Monday, August 24, 2015

Romans 8:18

"I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us."

So, it's been a while since my last post. Summer turned out to be very busy. It's hard to believe we are coming up on the end of August. Summer went by way to fast...but doesn't it always?! Dakota is almost 17 months old! What?!? Speaking of time going fast! He is so much fun right now. Talking up a storm! (I'm sure you all know who he gets that from! ;) ) Into EVERYTHING! He's even developed a little temper, but I can't imagine him being any other way!

I was just talking to someone the other day about life before Dakota. Before we beat infertility. I remember at the time thinking that time was going so slow and that it may never be "my turn". After the 5th year of TTC and all the heartache, I had convinced myself that it just wasn't in the cards for us. I'm ashamed to say that I doubted God's plan! I was not happy with Him at all! And you better believe I let Him know that! That's the thing...God wants us to tell him our frustrations! Even though He already knows what's going on and how its going to go, He wants us to come to Him! He heard from me many times. Even now, with Dakota, I have frustrations. I wouldn't change where we are for the world! I also wouldn't change what we went through to get here. As the verse above says, the pain that I felt before, does NOT compare to the joy that is coming. And Dakota is definitely our joy. I would do it all over again to be blessed with our little man.

Speaking of doing it all over again, we kind of are. We are praying that #2 is part of God's plan. Sooner, rather than later, preferably! I know that He has a plan, even if I don't like His timing sometimes. In the meantime, I am truly enjoying being a mom to Dakota. God has blessed us beyond words.

I do have a couple prayer requests as I end this post for today. If you feel lead, would you please pray for the following?

1) Patience as we wait on God's timing with baby #2
2) Scott is currently looking for a new job...and has been for a while. He has until October before his current job is closed. This is another area where we are having to completely trust that God knows what He is doing!

Friday, May 1, 2015

expect the unexpected...

It's a rare occurance lately that I get some quiet time to myself. So, I finally have some and wanted to update my blog. As I sit here waiting for Dakota to wake from his nap, I'm taking in the sunshine and the breeze that is coming in from the window. I can't help but think back to the MANY times that I have looked out the front window. Sometimes there was a smile, but many times there were tears. Every time I miscarried, I would sit on the couch and stare out the window and cry. Out of pain, frustration, anger, etc. I always thought that if God were to ever bless us with a child and/or children, those tears would go away. Little did I know, that they wouldn't. I am beyond grateful for the blessing that we have in Dakota. He brings so much joy into our lives. But let's be honest...parenting is not easy!! We were told that way before Kota was born. I just thought that we would be so thankful for our child that it wouldn't matter! There has been many things that have come up over the past few months that I was not prepared for! When I thought of having a baby, I knew that there would be sleepless nights. I didn't, however, know the sleepless nights would last past his first year. Being exhausted with a newborn is totally different than being exhausted with a toddler! I never expected to have a toddler who's night time schedule would be so inconsistent! I cherish every minute of sleep I can get!

Now comes the even scarier part. Thinking about #2! I am petrified about having another baby. Not going to lie! All of the fears I had before Dakota, have snuck back into my heart and mind. The fear of not being able to get pregnant (just because we had one, doesn't mean we will be able to have more), the fear of getting pregnant just to miscarry...possibly many times! The fear of having another baby, and me not being able to balance two kids. All sorts of things have flooded me. But then I remember...God is with me! He is walking right beside us EVERY step of the way! I have to remind myself daily (sometimes hourly) that He is our provider! Our Healer! Our Everything! He knows what He is doing. It's not always easy to remember that. Especially amidst a plan that is not going like you thought it should! We always think we know what's best for us. Trust me...we don't! He does!

I continue to pray daily for those who are still trying for their miracle! There is nothing that I can say that makes the journey any easier or less painful. All I will I am praying for you! I don't have all the answers...but you know where to find me if you need an ear to listen or a shoulder to cry on. I get it...I really do. Please know where my heart is...

Saturday, March 21, 2015


Words can not describe how amazed I am at how fast time flies. Dakota turns 1 next Saturday! WHAT?!? How did that happen? It seems like just yesterday that we met with the fertility specialist for the first time. I am so surprised at how hard of a time I am having with this. I think part of the problem is, that I spent so many years in tears, disappointment, and hopelessness, that its still hard to believe that we beat infertility! The part that shocks me the most, is that the pain of all those years are still present. I'm not sure it will ever go away. It has gotten easier at times, but it's still there.

I am super excited to be preparing a birthday party for him. Some people may think that I am "doing to much" because "he won't remember it". Yes, that is true. But this party is much more than just a birthday party. It's a celebration of how far we have come! It's a chance to share in our joy with friends and family. A chance to thank our Father in Heaven for the incredible gift that He has given us. I have never been more grateful for something in my life!

As I watched Dakota get his 1yr pictures taken this morning, I was in awe of what God created. That God used us to bring Kota into this world. That God has entrusted us to raise him to become a man of God. That is such a huge responsibility! But I can't imagine doing anything else!

I'll close for tonight. As I do this, please pray for us in the up coming week. We have lots to do and the emotions are in full force! Thank you for taking the time to follow us in our journey!

Saturday, January 17, 2015

Don't blink!

Don't blink! That's what everyone tells me. They are not kidding!! I can not believe how fast time is going. Dakota will be 10 months old at the end of the month. What?!? How can he almost be one already?!? We have started planning his 1st birthday and I am not sure I am ready for it! I mean, I know that it will be here whether I am ready or not, but it's hitting me more than I thought it would!

Life with Dakota is so much more than I ever imagined. He is one of the happiest kids I have ever dealt with...and I have had to deal with many kids in my days doing daycare. He is so much fun! He is happy 95% of the time. And when he is not, it usually means he is tired or not feeling well.

He is changing so much so quickly! In the past few months, he has gotten 2 teeth. He has started finger foods to some extent. We are discovering that he is pretty picky with foods. I just keep trying the same foods and hope that he will eventually begin to like them. :)

He is now crawling...EVERYWHERE!! He is so busy! He pulls himself up on the furniture and walks around it. He is a little braver than I am ready for. He lets go for a few seconds and thinks he is the coolest thing! I love to watch him explore. He is so content to play by himself with a box of toys, but he does love his ladies! (My daycare kids are all girls!) . I look forward to seeing him discover new things on a daily basis.

I have learned a lot while being a mom to Dakota. Life through the eyes of a child is so much simpler! If only we could look at life that way, think of how much stress we wouldn't have! I am truly amazed at how God has blessed us. I continue to thank Him for giving us the privilege of being Kota's parents. My prayer , always, is for my friends and family who haven't been able to experience the joy of their own child. I pray that God will richly bless you this year and make your dreams come true!! Love you all!

Wednesday, December 10, 2014

Christmas time...

Its hard to believe its that time of year again. My favorite holiday is just around the corner. Christmas...celebrating the birth of our Savior. And this year, is more special than the last. Last year, I was 6-7 months pregnant. I was still in shock that we had made it that far. I remember thinking, "Next year we will have a little one to share in the joy of the season. And here we are. Dakota is almost 8.5 months old already! I truly am shocked at how fast time has gone. He is growing up way to fast! However, he is in such a fun age right now. Discovering everything! He is starting to army crawl, starting to pull himself up on things, has started to walk around things. We are trying to introduce different textures in his meals. We have discovered he is pretty picky...which he got from me!

I can't imagine life with out Dakota. I do remember it however. The pain is still there. I'll never forget the babies that we lost. They are in our hearts forever. Dakota is such a happy baby. He smiles all the time! He is such a joy! I knew life would change, but nothing can prepare you for the love you feel for your child. I am so overwhelmed with emotion many times. I look at him and think..."I never thought I would see the day when I could call someone my son!". Well, we are here! I have a son and he will call me mommy some day. I'm pretty sure that will bring tears to my eyes the first time he calls me that!

I pray that if you are going through infertility and feel that there is no hope, please don't give up. I  know that's a lot easier said than done. I also know that the holiday season is often the 2nd hardest time of the year to deal with empty hands (Mother's day being the hardest). I'm praying that you find peace this season in ways that you never expected. God is with you! I promise! Even when he seems far away, He is still there. He always will be!

Have a very Merry Christmas and a blessed New Year!
Love, Scott, Jamie and Dakota!