Thursday, September 1, 2016

Unexpected feelings

It's been a while since I've last posted. And to be honest, I wasn't sure if I wanted to write about this. However, I am praying that by sharing some thoughts it will help someone else...and help myself at the same time. 

Anxiety. This is a word that I never thought I would ever experience...I'm not sure why I thought I was exempt from it. Maybe because I thought that because of my faith if Christ, I wouldn't go through this. You know what I discovered? Yes, I am a child of God...but I am also human! Who has hormones and experiences that feed into the anxiety. 

Some of you will have no idea what I am talking about. But there are others who will...and as I have found out, I am not alone! And neither are you! 

What is anxiety? Well, for me, its a feeling of drowning. Of suffocating in the thoughts of something terrible happening to my loved ones. I'm constantly consumed by imaginary tragedies that "could" happen. I am always anticipating a phone call from someone saying that someone I love is gone. Forever. It chokes me. I'm sure a lot of it stems from the things that have already happened in my life. The loss of grandparents, beloved aunts, a precious nephew, as well as my own 7 angels that were only with me a very short time. 

This is something that I was ashamed of for a while. I was ashamed to admit that in some ways, I was doubting God! I KNOW He has a plan for me. I also know that I've tried to "fix" these feelings on my own...and it's not working! Once I admitted it to some of my closest friends and family, I felt a huge weight lifted. Why? Because now it wasn't eating me from the inside out. Now, those that know, can hold me accountable for taking the next step in healing. They also now can pray specifically for me. And surround me with the love and support that I so desperately need. I had to accept the fact that no one that loves me, will judge me for the feelings that I am experiencing. 

With all this being said, I'm asking for prayers. Prayers that this constant anxiety and fear of trauma will go away! Its so consuming. Prayers that God's direction is made clear.  There are a lot of things right now that we are unclear about. Just looking for peace with the decisions. 

Thank you all for your love and support. It means so much to me to know who I can go to when I am hurting!

Tuesday, May 24, 2016

Angel #7 I am again. I was hoping to be sharing some exciting news this time. However, God has different plans than I do...imagine that! We found out yesterday that we are miscarrying our 7th angel.

Let me back up a bit though and fill you in. We met with the fertility specialist back in March. He's the same one we used to get pregnant with Dakota. He decided to put me on the same meds that I was on for him too. So, the plan was to wait for my next cycle to start and begin the meds. Well, my cycle never started. I honestly didn't even think pregnancy was a possibility...and it shouldn't have been! But I won't go into detail about that. The point is, I shouldn't have been able to get pregnant at all. But, in true God fashion, He decided to show me that I am not in control (imagine that!)! I had had all the fertility meds that I was going to be needing, filled. Everything was waiting for that moment! So, to say I was shocked when the tests came back positive is an understatement. Over the next few weeks, I had a number of blood draws where we saw my numbers rise. Not as fast as the dr would have liked, but they still rose. May 4th we had an ultrasound to see where things were. We saw the baby with a strong heartbeat of 119 at about 6 weeks gestation. We were thrilled! I should add that from the moment I found out about this baby, I was feeling so confident, so at peace that this one was it. We would be holding our child sometime by the end of the year.

Fast forward to last thursday. I had some worst fear was possibly happening AGAIN! I was 8 weeks that day. I prayed, and cried, and begged and pleaded with God to spare this child. I knew He was very capable of doing so. If He chose to. The weekend was quite the rollercoaster. The spotting was on and off all weekend. I called my dr on Monday and they had me come in for an emergency ultrasound. I was very scared. I prayed the whole way to the dr. I knew that it was very possible that the baby was fine that that the spotting was from something different. However, the ultrasound found something different. No more baby...just a sac. No more little flicker...the one I cherished so much. Here we go again. Are we really doing this again? I don't want to do this again. I don't have a choice. Here we go!

The only thing that is getting me through this...other than the incredible friends and family that we have behind us praying for us and supporting the promise that God has plans that are MUCH better than I can ever imagine. I know it hurts Him to see me in pain like this again. He's not doing this to hurt me. I truly believe that with all my heart. It's so complicated to think about...but I know that He loves me. Always has...always will. I'm not angry at Him. I can't be! I look at Dakota and know how faithful He is. I know that He will be faithful again. He always comes through. Especially in the tough times.

Having said that, it still hurts. Physically and emotionally. The grieving process is so unpredictable. I never know what will trigger the tears. How long the tears will last. Sometimes what triggers it one time...might not trigger them the next time. I just never know.

On that note...I'll end with our prayer requests. Besides the loss of our pregnancy, please pray for my emotions and having to still be a mommy and a wife! I don't want to take out the frustration on them. It's not their fault and Kota has no idea whats going on. Please pray for the physical aspect as well. Until it all stops, its a constant reminder of what is happening. It's a slap in the face every time...and that makes it hard.

Thank you to all who have been praying for us and supporting us on our journey. We wouldn't be where we are today with out you!

Tuesday, January 26, 2016

Something different.

I'm going to start by saying that this post is different than I usually write. This is strictly my opinion and it is not meant to dis anyone for there opinions. I completely respect others who do not agree. I've had some things on my mind and I need to get them out. :) So hear goes nothing!

I am not a cook. I do not know how to make gourmet, 3 course meals. Fortunately my family doesn't expect that...or need that! I used to be concerned about what others would think if they knew what I was feeding my family. I don't mean it's all junk food and sugar. However, I am that mom that will make Hamburger Helper and boxed corn muffins for dinner. Or Kraft mac and cheese with hot dogs cut up in it Or frozen pizza. Ya know why? Because that's what I know how to make. And ya know what? My family is happy, healthy, and fed. We love meat...most kinds. We also drink milk! A lot of milk! I know some of you are probably cringing at these admissions. Honestly, I don't care! Here's my thought...there are kids in other countries that would love to eat hamburger helper. It sure beats the mud pies that they had for lunch. They don't care if it is Gluten free, GMO free, or anything else free. (Now, I understand that there are allergies in the mix too...I'm not talking about that) I'm sure there are also lots of kids that would love the milk to drink. It sure beats the dirty water that they had to walk miles to get. I am so incredibly grateful that God has blessed us with a roof over our heads, clean water, and plenty of food...all kinds of feed my family with. We take so much for granted. I'm guilty...

Now, let me say this...I have the utmost respect for those of you who can cook great meals. I'd love to be able to be creative like many of you are. I also have respect for those who are concerned about what your food contains (or doesn't contain). The point I'm trying to make, is that what I feed my family, is my business. It's not anyone else's place to make us feel like horrible people for feeding them what we do.

Thank you for listening! Have a great day! :)

Friday, October 9, 2015

Deja Vu

I feel like I have written this post before. Oh wait...I have..

We went in on Wednesday for our 8 week ultrasound to check on baby. I hadn't had any reason to believe that anything was wrong. I was still feeling pregnant. Had the symptoms. However, as soon as the ultrasound started, I knew. I thought..."Here we go again.", "This is happening again.". I knew that our baby was gone. I knew by the size that it wasn't much bigger than it was two weeks ago at our 1st u/s. I didn't see that little flicker. I could also tell by the look on the tech's face, that we had lost the baby. We had lost our 6th baby. The tech called a dr in to confirm what I already knew. He said, "I'm sorry, but there is no heartbeat." I had already been crying by this point. I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs..."Why are You doing this to us again?!?"

If I'm going to be honest, I wasn't completely shocked. I kind of knew something wasn't right after the first u/s. I knew based on my calculations, that it was almost impossible for me to only be 6 weeks pregnant at that point. I had known for almost 4 weeks by then. It just didn't add up. So for the past two weeks, it was already in my head that this one might not be ok. However, everyone else kept saying that it would be fine. That I was worried about nothing. That we would be fine and that we would have a healthy baby in May. So, now, I find myself trying not to be upset with everyone else who was giving me hope. I know it's not their fault. They can't force feelings of fear and doubt. I know that they can never have the same feelings that I do during a pregnancy. The fear that I will ALWAYS have during pregnancy.

Its crazy how much of an emotional roller coaster you can be on in such a short time. Wednesday I was angry. I was angry at God for doing this again. Angry and numb. I wasn't shocked, but I was numb. Thursday it hurt. It hurt very bad. I kind of just went through the day in a daze. Fortunately I had flowers to do for a wedding, so I had something to keep me busy. Otherwise I could have easily spent the whole day in bed crying. On top of the emotional pain, the cramping started. The process of officially miscarrying the baby had begun. Each cramp feels like a stab in the heart. Reminding me that our baby is dead.

I think that's all I'll write for now. I could go off...but I'm not sure that's the smartest thing right now. Please be in prayer for us as we go through this journey again. Pray for the emotional pain as well as the physical pain. It's going to be a long few weeks as we go through this and decide on our next step. Pray also that anger doesn't get a big hold of me. I know it's part of the grieving process, but I don't want to stay there. Thank you all for your love and support. We could not make it through this without you.

Friday, October 2, 2015

Rainbow #2!!

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding." Proverbs 3:5

Well, I have to be honest and say that I am kind of shocked that I am writing this post. Beyond thrilled, but super shocked! We found out a few weeks ago that God has decided to bless us with baby #2!! We are expecting our second rainbow, May 18, 2016! When I say I am shocked, it's because it only took us 4 months with this one. Knowing our past, I really didn't expect it to happen so soon. Which is also why these first few weeks have been very scary for me. Even though God has given us a couple pretty clear signs that things would be ok! The most obvious sign would have to be from Wednesday, Sept 2. I got my first positive home test on Friday, the 28th. Took another on Saturday and it was this is happening! Dr had me do a blood draw on Monday which came back as 16. Which is pretty low. It really scared me. This was after I had spotted a could times over the weekend. I was sure it was ending almost before it had started! For those that know anything about the HCG hormone, which is what they look at in the blood, you know that it needs to at least double every 48 hours. So I went back on Wed, the 2nd for my second draw. I was a nervous wreck! I needed the number to be at least 32 to feel more sure. It's crazy how a set of numbers can basically change your life!

So, I went in, gave my blood, and headed out. As I was leaving the West pavilion lab and went to turn left onto Wilson, 4 WHITE DOVES flew up from the field next to the building. Um...what?!? Those aren't wild! White doves are not usually just hanging out in a field. I got goose bumps. White doves are a sign of peace to many people...and I saw 4 of them! The whole drive home I was stunned. My first thought was..."everything will be ok!" But then, of course the enemy has to put his two cents in and doubt set in. That wait for the results was the longest ever!! The dr called me later that day and said that the numbers went to 35!! It did what it was supposed to! I was so excited.

I was put on progesterone right away to help sustain the pregnancy. Which is my security blanket! I scheduled an ultrasound for Sept 23 to check on baby. That day seemed to take forever to get here! The time came, we saw a baby with a heartbeat of 120! I was expecting a to be 7-8 weeks. Baby was measuring at 6 weeks.(Which means I found out that I was pregnant the earliest that is possible.) I'll be completely honest, I wasn't as excited to see baby as I thought I would be with it only measuring 6 weeks. It really scared me. When you expect one thing, and its now what you expected, it's kind of disappointing. I was really hoping to be farther past the scary stage and be further along. But that was not the way God wanted it. Seeing the heartbeat did give me some reassurance that ok...things are going ok! We have another ultrasound scheduled for Wed, Oct 7. Praying baby is growing like they should be and I should be 8 weeks by then.

I have to put my complete trust in my Heavenly Father. I know that he has big plans for this child. It's still very surreal to be saying that. That I am with child! Again! It seems like only yesterday that we were struggling to get pregnant...and stay pregnant...with our first. Now he is 18 months old and we are expanding our family again. Please pray for us and the baby. That baby will grow healthy and strong like it's supposed to. Please pray for complete peace for me as I embrace the fact that I am carrying another blessing. Your prayers are greatly appreciated! We feel beyond blessed to have the love and support that we do!

Monday, August 24, 2015

Romans 8:18

"I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us."

So, it's been a while since my last post. Summer turned out to be very busy. It's hard to believe we are coming up on the end of August. Summer went by way to fast...but doesn't it always?! Dakota is almost 17 months old! What?!? Speaking of time going fast! He is so much fun right now. Talking up a storm! (I'm sure you all know who he gets that from! ;) ) Into EVERYTHING! He's even developed a little temper, but I can't imagine him being any other way!

I was just talking to someone the other day about life before Dakota. Before we beat infertility. I remember at the time thinking that time was going so slow and that it may never be "my turn". After the 5th year of TTC and all the heartache, I had convinced myself that it just wasn't in the cards for us. I'm ashamed to say that I doubted God's plan! I was not happy with Him at all! And you better believe I let Him know that! That's the thing...God wants us to tell him our frustrations! Even though He already knows what's going on and how its going to go, He wants us to come to Him! He heard from me many times. Even now, with Dakota, I have frustrations. I wouldn't change where we are for the world! I also wouldn't change what we went through to get here. As the verse above says, the pain that I felt before, does NOT compare to the joy that is coming. And Dakota is definitely our joy. I would do it all over again to be blessed with our little man.

Speaking of doing it all over again, we kind of are. We are praying that #2 is part of God's plan. Sooner, rather than later, preferably! I know that He has a plan, even if I don't like His timing sometimes. In the meantime, I am truly enjoying being a mom to Dakota. God has blessed us beyond words.

I do have a couple prayer requests as I end this post for today. If you feel lead, would you please pray for the following?

1) Patience as we wait on God's timing with baby #2
2) Scott is currently looking for a new job...and has been for a while. He has until October before his current job is closed. This is another area where we are having to completely trust that God knows what He is doing!

Friday, May 1, 2015

expect the unexpected...

It's a rare occurance lately that I get some quiet time to myself. So, I finally have some and wanted to update my blog. As I sit here waiting for Dakota to wake from his nap, I'm taking in the sunshine and the breeze that is coming in from the window. I can't help but think back to the MANY times that I have looked out the front window. Sometimes there was a smile, but many times there were tears. Every time I miscarried, I would sit on the couch and stare out the window and cry. Out of pain, frustration, anger, etc. I always thought that if God were to ever bless us with a child and/or children, those tears would go away. Little did I know, that they wouldn't. I am beyond grateful for the blessing that we have in Dakota. He brings so much joy into our lives. But let's be honest...parenting is not easy!! We were told that way before Kota was born. I just thought that we would be so thankful for our child that it wouldn't matter! There has been many things that have come up over the past few months that I was not prepared for! When I thought of having a baby, I knew that there would be sleepless nights. I didn't, however, know the sleepless nights would last past his first year. Being exhausted with a newborn is totally different than being exhausted with a toddler! I never expected to have a toddler who's night time schedule would be so inconsistent! I cherish every minute of sleep I can get!

Now comes the even scarier part. Thinking about #2! I am petrified about having another baby. Not going to lie! All of the fears I had before Dakota, have snuck back into my heart and mind. The fear of not being able to get pregnant (just because we had one, doesn't mean we will be able to have more), the fear of getting pregnant just to miscarry...possibly many times! The fear of having another baby, and me not being able to balance two kids. All sorts of things have flooded me. But then I remember...God is with me! He is walking right beside us EVERY step of the way! I have to remind myself daily (sometimes hourly) that He is our provider! Our Healer! Our Everything! He knows what He is doing. It's not always easy to remember that. Especially amidst a plan that is not going like you thought it should! We always think we know what's best for us. Trust me...we don't! He does!

I continue to pray daily for those who are still trying for their miracle! There is nothing that I can say that makes the journey any easier or less painful. All I will I am praying for you! I don't have all the answers...but you know where to find me if you need an ear to listen or a shoulder to cry on. I get it...I really do. Please know where my heart is...