So, today was the big appointment. We had our first appointment with a fertility specialist. I wasn't sure what to expect going into the appt. I assumed it would be "let's do this blood work, test your husband, you need to lose some weight..." etc! It was none of that!! He is going to put me on Fermara (kind of like clomid) for cycle days 3-7, have an ultrasound at days 13 or 14 to check on the follicles (eggs), then I have to give myself a shot of Ovidrel to induce ovulation. Then its time to get busy! ;) He also gave me a script for prometrium (progesterone), and upped my metformin. I love the fact that he doesn't want to waste any time!
When I was waiting for the appointment time to arrive, I was a nervous wreck! I was sick to my stomach. All because of the unknown. What is he going to tell us? What if he can't help us? He is our last resort to have one naturally. After the appointment, I felt like a huge weight has been lifted. I really feel like this is going to happen for us! Maybe not this first month, but it WILL happen! Thank you all for the thoughts, prayers and words of encouragement. We truly feel so loved! The support we have is so overwhelming. Thank you all again!! Praise be to God!!
Tuesday, May 14, 2013
Thursday, May 9, 2013
time flies!
Wow! I can't believe it's been over a month since I last posted. This time of year is the hardest for me...and many others in our position. As Mother's Day approaches this year, I am yet again, childless. I mean, I know I have 5 angels in heaven, but I don't have a child to hold in my arms. I love the kids I do daycare for as my own, but there is still something missing. I had honestly contemplated not going to church on Sunday due to the fact that 1) it's Mother's day and 2) They are doing Baby dedication that day as well. I am very happy for everyone who has children. I honestly am. But that doesn't make it any easier. After some prayer, I have decided that I am still going to attend the services on Sunday. I do not want to let the enemy get a hold of me this weekend! Will it be hard? Um...yes!! Will I cry? You can count on it. Will I feel the presence of God holding me as I shed those tears? I guarantee it! But that will not stop me from being there and worshipping my Savior!! My suggestion to those who don't know what to say, on this day to those of us who are dealing with infertility and/or miscarriage/ infant loss...Say "Happy Mother's Day!" Just because my babies are with Jesus, does not mean I am not a mom. That's my piece of advice for the day!
On a different note, our appointment with the fertility specialist is coming up on Tuesday, May 14. Please pray that we can get some answers and or a plan of action. I have not really thought to much about it, but I know that as the day gets closer, my emotions will be running! I have no idea what to expect but you can bet that I will have my list of questions for him. I have an incredible sense of peace about us eventually having our own, biological child. I have no doubt in my mind that it WILL happen!
For those of you who are dealing with infertility...I pray that you can get through this weekend. With God at your side, you can do this!!
Now, I understand that there are many reason that Mother's day could be hard for many people...I pray for strength for you all as well. May God be with you during this weekend and anytime that you are having a hard time. We all have our moments!! We are allowed our moments!! Hang in there...(I am totally talking to my self here...) He is there for you and He loves you more than you will EVER know!!
On a different note, our appointment with the fertility specialist is coming up on Tuesday, May 14. Please pray that we can get some answers and or a plan of action. I have not really thought to much about it, but I know that as the day gets closer, my emotions will be running! I have no idea what to expect but you can bet that I will have my list of questions for him. I have an incredible sense of peace about us eventually having our own, biological child. I have no doubt in my mind that it WILL happen!
For those of you who are dealing with infertility...I pray that you can get through this weekend. With God at your side, you can do this!!
Now, I understand that there are many reason that Mother's day could be hard for many people...I pray for strength for you all as well. May God be with you during this weekend and anytime that you are having a hard time. We all have our moments!! We are allowed our moments!! Hang in there...(I am totally talking to my self here...) He is there for you and He loves you more than you will EVER know!!
Monday, April 1, 2013
A new month, a new chapter.
It's hard to believe it's April already! Yesterday we celebrated my favorite time of year. The Resurection of our Saviour! I am in awe at the love that God gave us by sending His son...by willingly sacrificing His Son...LETTING Him die on that cross for me. With all of the babies that I have lost, I can't imagine giving up any of them willingly. Thank You doesn't seem to be enough for the gratitude I have for that sacrifice! Praise be to God!!
One of the problems with infertility is not always having a clear direction with what to do next. Before this last miscarriage, I was all set and ready to foster to adopt/adopt an older child. The pregnancy totally caught me off guard. Now, it's not like we weren't trying, but I had really been focused on the foster care classes and didn't really think about getting pregnant. So, when I saw the positive test, a whole new world of thoughts flooded my mind. Now that that baby is sitting with Jesus, allowing with their siblings, I am more determined now, to have one of my own. I am on a mission now.
You might be saying, "why did it take 5 miscarriages to get to this point?" That's a question I have asked my self many times. I think the main answer, is because I am pretty sure I was in denial. Which is normal! I can get pregnant. I am not infertile. Which, on some levels, is true. However, my problem is that I can't keep them. My levels won't go up. So, after much prayer, information that changed our thoughts on the financial aspect of it, and a little nudging from trusted family and friends, we have made an appointment with Dr. Young. A fertility specialist. We received a free initial consultation from a seminar that we attended and we will use that to begin this chapter. Our appointment is scheduled for Tues, May 14. Hopefully he can point us in the right direction. I am confident that some where down the road is a biological child that I will carry to full term. As for the foster to adopt...still not sure what to do about that. I am so confused! I don't know if I can emotionally handle testing on myself and/or my husband as well as all the emotions that come along with taking care of someone else's child...who has emotional issues themselves! We have a lot of praying to do. I also am learning to BE STILL and know that He is God!! I have to take time for myself and just be still. Wait for His answer! (I should be a professional "waiter" by now right?!?)
Until next time...please pray for us that we get a clear direction with the foster care. I really want some peace about what to do!
One of the problems with infertility is not always having a clear direction with what to do next. Before this last miscarriage, I was all set and ready to foster to adopt/adopt an older child. The pregnancy totally caught me off guard. Now, it's not like we weren't trying, but I had really been focused on the foster care classes and didn't really think about getting pregnant. So, when I saw the positive test, a whole new world of thoughts flooded my mind. Now that that baby is sitting with Jesus, allowing with their siblings, I am more determined now, to have one of my own. I am on a mission now.
You might be saying, "why did it take 5 miscarriages to get to this point?" That's a question I have asked my self many times. I think the main answer, is because I am pretty sure I was in denial. Which is normal! I can get pregnant. I am not infertile. Which, on some levels, is true. However, my problem is that I can't keep them. My levels won't go up. So, after much prayer, information that changed our thoughts on the financial aspect of it, and a little nudging from trusted family and friends, we have made an appointment with Dr. Young. A fertility specialist. We received a free initial consultation from a seminar that we attended and we will use that to begin this chapter. Our appointment is scheduled for Tues, May 14. Hopefully he can point us in the right direction. I am confident that some where down the road is a biological child that I will carry to full term. As for the foster to adopt...still not sure what to do about that. I am so confused! I don't know if I can emotionally handle testing on myself and/or my husband as well as all the emotions that come along with taking care of someone else's child...who has emotional issues themselves! We have a lot of praying to do. I also am learning to BE STILL and know that He is God!! I have to take time for myself and just be still. Wait for His answer! (I should be a professional "waiter" by now right?!?)
Until next time...please pray for us that we get a clear direction with the foster care. I really want some peace about what to do!
Sunday, March 10, 2013
what I am learning...
So, it's been a little while since I last posted. I honestly wasn't sure what to write. I have been praying for something to come to me...and it did today.
Let me start by clearing something up. Many have asked what is my doctor doing for me. Or saying that I need a new doctor. This has nothing to do with my doctor. We have chosen not to persue anything with a fertility specialist yet. We honestly didn't feel that was not what God wanted us to do. Insurance does not cover any fertility treatments. Nothing! So that played a roll. I want to follow where God is leading...period! Not where my heart wants to go. However, we do feel that it might be something we will look into in the coming months. If He makes it clear! I love my doctor. She had encouraged me to see a specialist a while ago. I wasn't ready for that. It's a process. I didn't want to admit that I had a fertility problem. To some that may seem crazy after the miscarriages, but I was in denial. I'm not anymore.
On a different note, I have learned a lot through this journey. One of the things that keeps coming back into my mind lately, is that everything that we go through in life, might not only be about you and what you need to "learn" from it. What is God teaching me? I firmly believe, after watching others come along with us in this journey, that sometimes we go through trials because someone needs to see God working. They are not seeing Him in their own lives (that doesn't mean that He isn't there) so God wants His glory to be shown through us. I know that God has something big planned for us. I finally feel at peace about what He wants to do in my life. I don't know exactly what that is yet, but I know He's got it! I am seeing family and friends understand God in a whole new light. For me, that's enough. I will do whatever it takes (although, I don't know how much more I should have to take) to bring glory to my Heavenly Father! I can't imagine my life without Him. If I can show others what He has done for me because of my struggles, then so be it! He has blessed me in more ways than I can count. This is the least I can do! I may not always see those blessings, however. The enemy works very hard at tearing me away from God. He does this by causing bad things to happen so I will be angry and bitter at God. I am tired of Satan taking over. I refuse to let him ruin the life that God has blessed me with. My God is so much bigger than anything that I have going on. I want to prove that He can and will work miracles!!
Let me start by clearing something up. Many have asked what is my doctor doing for me. Or saying that I need a new doctor. This has nothing to do with my doctor. We have chosen not to persue anything with a fertility specialist yet. We honestly didn't feel that was not what God wanted us to do. Insurance does not cover any fertility treatments. Nothing! So that played a roll. I want to follow where God is leading...period! Not where my heart wants to go. However, we do feel that it might be something we will look into in the coming months. If He makes it clear! I love my doctor. She had encouraged me to see a specialist a while ago. I wasn't ready for that. It's a process. I didn't want to admit that I had a fertility problem. To some that may seem crazy after the miscarriages, but I was in denial. I'm not anymore.
On a different note, I have learned a lot through this journey. One of the things that keeps coming back into my mind lately, is that everything that we go through in life, might not only be about you and what you need to "learn" from it. What is God teaching me? I firmly believe, after watching others come along with us in this journey, that sometimes we go through trials because someone needs to see God working. They are not seeing Him in their own lives (that doesn't mean that He isn't there) so God wants His glory to be shown through us. I know that God has something big planned for us. I finally feel at peace about what He wants to do in my life. I don't know exactly what that is yet, but I know He's got it! I am seeing family and friends understand God in a whole new light. For me, that's enough. I will do whatever it takes (although, I don't know how much more I should have to take) to bring glory to my Heavenly Father! I can't imagine my life without Him. If I can show others what He has done for me because of my struggles, then so be it! He has blessed me in more ways than I can count. This is the least I can do! I may not always see those blessings, however. The enemy works very hard at tearing me away from God. He does this by causing bad things to happen so I will be angry and bitter at God. I am tired of Satan taking over. I refuse to let him ruin the life that God has blessed me with. My God is so much bigger than anything that I have going on. I want to prove that He can and will work miracles!!
Monday, February 25, 2013
and so it begins...
...the grieving process. That's what begins...again. This pregnancy is officially over. :'( Be careful what you pray for! Last night I was on my knees telling God that if this pregnancy was over, to prove it to me that it is. Well, He proved it to me today. That's the prayer He decided to answer?!? I don't understand, but id do still trust Him. I really do.
With that said, all I need from my friends and family is prayer and support. I really don't need to hear "It's all part of God's plan" (would you tell that to someone who just lost someone in a car accident? No, but to me...this is just as tragic! ). I know you all mean well, but honestly, it doesn't help. I know that it's part of His plan. I know that "He knows what He is doing". I just need prayers and hugs. And maybe even shoulders to cry on! I don't need answers or suggestions. Please. I LOVE that you want to help...honestly, I do. But it doesn't take the pain away. Sometimes it just makes it worse...because frankly, I am not to happy with God's plan right now. There are no words to make this any less painful.
We need prayers for the following:
~ peace
~ understanding
~ direction
~patience forget that...I am tired of asking for patience! I always fail with that!
~ and healing...both physically, emotionally, and spiritually. We have a LOT of questions for God. Most of which we most likely will never get the answers to.
I am beyond blessed to have so many people who love and support us. I can not tell you what it means to me. THANK YOU ALL!! Thank you for being there for us...it means more than you will ever know!! We love you all!!
With that said, all I need from my friends and family is prayer and support. I really don't need to hear "It's all part of God's plan" (would you tell that to someone who just lost someone in a car accident? No, but to me...this is just as tragic! ). I know you all mean well, but honestly, it doesn't help. I know that it's part of His plan. I know that "He knows what He is doing". I just need prayers and hugs. And maybe even shoulders to cry on! I don't need answers or suggestions. Please. I LOVE that you want to help...honestly, I do. But it doesn't take the pain away. Sometimes it just makes it worse...because frankly, I am not to happy with God's plan right now. There are no words to make this any less painful.
We need prayers for the following:
~ peace
~ understanding
~ direction
~
~ and healing...both physically, emotionally, and spiritually. We have a LOT of questions for God. Most of which we most likely will never get the answers to.
I am beyond blessed to have so many people who love and support us. I can not tell you what it means to me. THANK YOU ALL!! Thank you for being there for us...it means more than you will ever know!! We love you all!!
Friday, February 22, 2013
two pink lines...
It is amazing to me just how powerful two pink lines can be. Some of us wait for those every month. Some of us want them and don't get to see them. Some of us get them and don't want them. Well, this is how my last week has gone...
Sunday, Feb 17, 2013- We saw two pink lines!! I am scared and excited all at the same time. Oh my goodness...we are pregnant! Praise the Lord!
Mon - feel sick all day
Tues - feel sick all day; call the doctor and they had me go in for a blood test to confirm and check my HCG levels.
Wed - feel sick all day (this is the only time I am thrilled to be sick!!); Doctor's office called with the test results. My level is at 20...which is way lower than I thought it should be. Of course...because why would I be able to have it easy? So they ordered another test for Thursday to see if the numbers had at least doubled. Which is what we needed it to do. (I won't go into details about the HCG levels...google it if you are curious!)
~I start spotting Wed night. I lost it...I cried and cried for a long while. I couldn't believe He was doing this to me again.
Thurs -sick all day again; had levels tested in the afternoon. Still have all the typical symptoms of being pregnant. YAY! ~Just a little bit of spotting and some light cramping today...
Fri - Spotting and cramping have completely stopped! Great sign...right?? So I wait...and wait...and wait...all day for the doctor to call with the results. Seriously...I know they had it in the morning. Why do they make you wait?!? Do they not realize how torturous this is?! I kept trying to call them and would get no one to answer. (which I thought was strange...maybe God was blocking my calls to them so I would "Be Still"...). I finally got through to the nurse about 4:30. She said that yes, they did have the results and that she would send me through to the doctor. (that's not good when the doctor actually wants to give you the tests results.). She gets on the phone and tells me that unfortunately the numbers have dropped to 14. That she considered this a chemical pregnancy. (again...google it...to hard to explain here).
Ugh...really?? I am so confused at this point. All the "bad" signs have stopped and all the "good" signs are still there. I still feel pregnant. I don't think I will accept this as being a miscarriage until my body gives me physical evidence that it is over. At this point...that hasn't happened yet. Call it false hope or whatever you want. I have a little something to hang onto yet. I am not ready to say goodbye to our 5th baby! Not that you are ever ready...but I don't want to accept it yet.
So, now I wait some more. To see what happens. You would think that as much waiting as we have to do, that it would get easier with time. Just so you know...it doesn't. It does not get easier!!
So, we need prayers. Prayers that God will work a miracle and helps us keep this baby that to the doctors and to most people, looks like it is gone already. I know that we serve a BIG God and He is perfectly capable of doing that.
Also, prayers for peace, patience, and understanding of whatever the outcome.
Sunday, Feb 17, 2013- We saw two pink lines!! I am scared and excited all at the same time. Oh my goodness...we are pregnant! Praise the Lord!
Mon - feel sick all day
Tues - feel sick all day; call the doctor and they had me go in for a blood test to confirm and check my HCG levels.
Wed - feel sick all day (this is the only time I am thrilled to be sick!!); Doctor's office called with the test results. My level is at 20...which is way lower than I thought it should be. Of course...because why would I be able to have it easy? So they ordered another test for Thursday to see if the numbers had at least doubled. Which is what we needed it to do. (I won't go into details about the HCG levels...google it if you are curious!)
~I start spotting Wed night. I lost it...I cried and cried for a long while. I couldn't believe He was doing this to me again.
Thurs -sick all day again; had levels tested in the afternoon. Still have all the typical symptoms of being pregnant. YAY! ~Just a little bit of spotting and some light cramping today...
Fri - Spotting and cramping have completely stopped! Great sign...right?? So I wait...and wait...and wait...all day for the doctor to call with the results. Seriously...I know they had it in the morning. Why do they make you wait?!? Do they not realize how torturous this is?! I kept trying to call them and would get no one to answer. (which I thought was strange...maybe God was blocking my calls to them so I would "Be Still"...). I finally got through to the nurse about 4:30. She said that yes, they did have the results and that she would send me through to the doctor. (that's not good when the doctor actually wants to give you the tests results.). She gets on the phone and tells me that unfortunately the numbers have dropped to 14. That she considered this a chemical pregnancy. (again...google it...to hard to explain here).
Ugh...really?? I am so confused at this point. All the "bad" signs have stopped and all the "good" signs are still there. I still feel pregnant. I don't think I will accept this as being a miscarriage until my body gives me physical evidence that it is over. At this point...that hasn't happened yet. Call it false hope or whatever you want. I have a little something to hang onto yet. I am not ready to say goodbye to our 5th baby! Not that you are ever ready...but I don't want to accept it yet.
So, now I wait some more. To see what happens. You would think that as much waiting as we have to do, that it would get easier with time. Just so you know...it doesn't. It does not get easier!!
So, we need prayers. Prayers that God will work a miracle and helps us keep this baby that to the doctors and to most people, looks like it is gone already. I know that we serve a BIG God and He is perfectly capable of doing that.
Also, prayers for peace, patience, and understanding of whatever the outcome.
Tuesday, February 12, 2013
stolen joy...
So, now that you are caught up with our journey, some of the posts will be just random thoughts, frustrations, or whatever.( I am not talking about anyone in particular in any of these.) They are just some other things that we "infertile" couples face in our daily lives.
One of my biggest frustrations/ struggles with infertility, is my reactions to whenever someone tells me they are pregnant. I HATE not being able to be ecstatic with them. I try so hard to be happy, and I truly am happy, but twinge of sadness always sneaks up so quickly. I feel awful that I can't share in the joy like I want to...or they want me to. It is a constant battle with myself to let go of the bitterness I have towards God for putting me in this position. I know He knows what He is doing...and that He does have a plan for me that far exceeds my expectations, but that doesn't mean it is easy for me to keep in mind all the time. I am getting better with letting go. I know that keeping the bitterness inside does nothing for me. Except make life harder! It's not easy...at all! I just think I am getting it under control, and then I lose it again when someone I love has a miscarriage. That is the WORST feeling in the world! Almost worse than losing my own child. My heart hurts so much for them. I know the pain that they are feeling...it's almost like going through it myself all over again. I ache for those who get pregnant again after a miscarriage. I ache for the fear that they are feeling. I get it!! Those of you who are in my shoes, get it too!
You wouldn't believe some of the things that we hear from people. The "best" story I have for you is too good for me to make up. (and by too good, I mean awful!!)
I was at Walmart a few months ago shopping. I bought a pregnancy test there because I didn't want to make a special trip to the dollar store for one. The cashier was ringing me out and scanned the test. Holding it up and waving it around, she says to me:
Cashier: "Are you hoping to be?" (Um...none of your business..
Me: "Yes, I am! (I should have stopped there, but I didn't...) After 4+ years of trying and 4 miscarriages, I am really hoping to be pregnant!"
C: "Oh...okay." (She should have stopped there...but of course didn't. That would be the nice thing to do.) "Well, what happens if you miscarry again?" (Really?!? Did she just ask me that?!?)
M: "Then I guess we will just try again" (That should have been the end of the conversation too...but oh no. It gets better)
C: "Yeah, my boyfriend said we could try for a baby in the spring. Then I wouldn't have to work" (again...really?? Did she just say that?)
I have no idea what I said after that. I tuned her out quickly. I couldn't get out of there fast enough!! I have never been so close to telling someone off as I was there. I knew that it wouldn't make things better...but it sure would have made me feel better! Instead, I just prayed for her. (not kidding!). She obviously has no idea what it's like to want something so bad, get it, just for it to be taken from you...four times...and everyone around you seems to be getting what you want, so easily!
Anyway, that's my rant for today. I pray that I have not offended anyone by anything I have said. It just feels so good to get these things off my heart. If anyone has any questions, please feel free to ask. I am willing to talk to anyone about anything!! Love you all and thanks for reading!
One of my biggest frustrations/ struggles with infertility, is my reactions to whenever someone tells me they are pregnant. I HATE not being able to be ecstatic with them. I try so hard to be happy, and I truly am happy, but twinge of sadness always sneaks up so quickly. I feel awful that I can't share in the joy like I want to...or they want me to. It is a constant battle with myself to let go of the bitterness I have towards God for putting me in this position. I know He knows what He is doing...and that He does have a plan for me that far exceeds my expectations, but that doesn't mean it is easy for me to keep in mind all the time. I am getting better with letting go. I know that keeping the bitterness inside does nothing for me. Except make life harder! It's not easy...at all! I just think I am getting it under control, and then I lose it again when someone I love has a miscarriage. That is the WORST feeling in the world! Almost worse than losing my own child. My heart hurts so much for them. I know the pain that they are feeling...it's almost like going through it myself all over again. I ache for those who get pregnant again after a miscarriage. I ache for the fear that they are feeling. I get it!! Those of you who are in my shoes, get it too!
You wouldn't believe some of the things that we hear from people. The "best" story I have for you is too good for me to make up. (and by too good, I mean awful!!)
I was at Walmart a few months ago shopping. I bought a pregnancy test there because I didn't want to make a special trip to the dollar store for one. The cashier was ringing me out and scanned the test. Holding it up and waving it around, she says to me:
Cashier: "Are you hoping to be?" (Um...none of your business..
Me: "Yes, I am! (I should have stopped there, but I didn't...) After 4+ years of trying and 4 miscarriages, I am really hoping to be pregnant!"
C: "Oh...okay." (She should have stopped there...but of course didn't. That would be the nice thing to do.) "Well, what happens if you miscarry again?" (Really?!? Did she just ask me that?!?)
M: "Then I guess we will just try again" (That should have been the end of the conversation too...but oh no. It gets better)
C: "Yeah, my boyfriend said we could try for a baby in the spring. Then I wouldn't have to work" (again...really?? Did she just say that?)
I have no idea what I said after that. I tuned her out quickly. I couldn't get out of there fast enough!! I have never been so close to telling someone off as I was there. I knew that it wouldn't make things better...but it sure would have made me feel better! Instead, I just prayed for her. (not kidding!). She obviously has no idea what it's like to want something so bad, get it, just for it to be taken from you...four times...and everyone around you seems to be getting what you want, so easily!
Anyway, that's my rant for today. I pray that I have not offended anyone by anything I have said. It just feels so good to get these things off my heart. If anyone has any questions, please feel free to ask. I am willing to talk to anyone about anything!! Love you all and thanks for reading!
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