Anxiety. This is a word that I never thought I would ever experience...I'm not sure why I thought I was exempt from it. Maybe because I thought that because of my faith if Christ, I wouldn't go through this. You know what I discovered? Yes, I am a child of God...but I am also human! Who has hormones and experiences that feed into the anxiety.
Some of you will have no idea what I am talking about. But there are others who will...and as I have found out, I am not alone! And neither are you!
What is anxiety? Well, for me, its a feeling of drowning. Of suffocating in the thoughts of something terrible happening to my loved ones. I'm constantly consumed by imaginary tragedies that "could" happen. I am always anticipating a phone call from someone saying that someone I love is gone. Forever. It chokes me. I'm sure a lot of it stems from the things that have already happened in my life. The loss of grandparents, beloved aunts, a precious nephew, as well as my own 7 angels that were only with me a very short time.
This is something that I was ashamed of for a while. I was ashamed to admit that in some ways, I was doubting God! I KNOW He has a plan for me. I also know that I've tried to "fix" these feelings on my own...and it's not working! Once I admitted it to some of my closest friends and family, I felt a huge weight lifted. Why? Because now it wasn't eating me from the inside out. Now, those that know, can hold me accountable for taking the next step in healing. They also now can pray specifically for me. And surround me with the love and support that I so desperately need. I had to accept the fact that no one that loves me, will judge me for the feelings that I am experiencing.
With all this being said, I'm asking for prayers. Prayers that this constant anxiety and fear of trauma will go away! Its so consuming. Prayers that God's direction is made clear. There are a lot of things right now that we are unclear about. Just looking for peace with the decisions.
Thank you all for your love and support. It means so much to me to know who I can go to when I am hurting!