Friday, May 1, 2015

expect the unexpected...

It's a rare occurance lately that I get some quiet time to myself. So, I finally have some and wanted to update my blog. As I sit here waiting for Dakota to wake from his nap, I'm taking in the sunshine and the breeze that is coming in from the window. I can't help but think back to the MANY times that I have looked out the front window. Sometimes there was a smile, but many times there were tears. Every time I miscarried, I would sit on the couch and stare out the window and cry. Out of pain, frustration, anger, etc. I always thought that if God were to ever bless us with a child and/or children, those tears would go away. Little did I know, that they wouldn't. I am beyond grateful for the blessing that we have in Dakota. He brings so much joy into our lives. But let's be honest...parenting is not easy!! We were told that way before Kota was born. I just thought that we would be so thankful for our child that it wouldn't matter! There has been many things that have come up over the past few months that I was not prepared for! When I thought of having a baby, I knew that there would be sleepless nights. I didn't, however, know the sleepless nights would last past his first year. Being exhausted with a newborn is totally different than being exhausted with a toddler! I never expected to have a toddler who's night time schedule would be so inconsistent! I cherish every minute of sleep I can get!

Now comes the even scarier part. Thinking about #2! I am petrified about having another baby. Not going to lie! All of the fears I had before Dakota, have snuck back into my heart and mind. The fear of not being able to get pregnant (just because we had one, doesn't mean we will be able to have more), the fear of getting pregnant just to miscarry...possibly many times! The fear of having another baby, and me not being able to balance two kids. All sorts of things have flooded me. But then I remember...God is with me! He is walking right beside us EVERY step of the way! I have to remind myself daily (sometimes hourly) that He is our provider! Our Healer! Our Everything! He knows what He is doing. It's not always easy to remember that. Especially amidst a plan that is not going like you thought it should! We always think we know what's best for us. Trust me...we don't! He does!

I continue to pray daily for those who are still trying for their miracle! There is nothing that I can say that makes the journey any easier or less painful. All I will say...is I am praying for you! I don't have all the answers...but you know where to find me if you need an ear to listen or a shoulder to cry on. I get it...I really do. Please know where my heart is...

Saturday, March 21, 2015

Really?

Words can not describe how amazed I am at how fast time flies. Dakota turns 1 next Saturday! WHAT?!? How did that happen? It seems like just yesterday that we met with the fertility specialist for the first time. I am so surprised at how hard of a time I am having with this. I think part of the problem is, that I spent so many years in tears, disappointment, and hopelessness, that its still hard to believe that we beat infertility! The part that shocks me the most, is that the pain of all those years are still present. I'm not sure it will ever go away. It has gotten easier at times, but it's still there.

I am super excited to be preparing a birthday party for him. Some people may think that I am "doing to much" because "he won't remember it". Yes, that is true. But this party is much more than just a birthday party. It's a celebration of how far we have come! It's a chance to share in our joy with friends and family. A chance to thank our Father in Heaven for the incredible gift that He has given us. I have never been more grateful for something in my life!

As I watched Dakota get his 1yr pictures taken this morning, I was in awe of what God created. That God used us to bring Kota into this world. That God has entrusted us to raise him to become a man of God. That is such a huge responsibility! But I can't imagine doing anything else!

I'll close for tonight. As I do this, please pray for us in the up coming week. We have lots to do and the emotions are in full force! Thank you for taking the time to follow us in our journey!

Saturday, January 17, 2015

Don't blink!

Don't blink! That's what everyone tells me. They are not kidding!! I can not believe how fast time is going. Dakota will be 10 months old at the end of the month. What?!? How can he almost be one already?!? We have started planning his 1st birthday and I am not sure I am ready for it! I mean, I know that it will be here whether I am ready or not, but it's hitting me more than I thought it would!

Life with Dakota is so much more than I ever imagined. He is one of the happiest kids I have ever dealt with...and I have had to deal with many kids in my days doing daycare. He is so much fun! He is happy 95% of the time. And when he is not, it usually means he is tired or not feeling well.

He is changing so much so quickly! In the past few months, he has gotten 2 teeth. He has started finger foods to some extent. We are discovering that he is pretty picky with foods. I just keep trying the same foods and hope that he will eventually begin to like them. :)

He is now crawling...EVERYWHERE!! He is so busy! He pulls himself up on the furniture and walks around it. He is a little braver than I am ready for. He lets go for a few seconds and thinks he is the coolest thing! I love to watch him explore. He is so content to play by himself with a box of toys, but he does love his ladies! (My daycare kids are all girls!) . I look forward to seeing him discover new things on a daily basis.

I have learned a lot while being a mom to Dakota. Life through the eyes of a child is so much simpler! If only we could look at life that way, think of how much stress we wouldn't have! I am truly amazed at how God has blessed us. I continue to thank Him for giving us the privilege of being Kota's parents. My prayer , always, is for my friends and family who haven't been able to experience the joy of their own child. I pray that God will richly bless you this year and make your dreams come true!! Love you all!

Wednesday, December 10, 2014

Christmas time...

Its hard to believe its that time of year again. My favorite holiday is just around the corner. Christmas...celebrating the birth of our Savior. And this year, is more special than the last. Last year, I was 6-7 months pregnant. I was still in shock that we had made it that far. I remember thinking, "Next year we will have a little one to share in the joy of the season. And here we are. Dakota is almost 8.5 months old already! I truly am shocked at how fast time has gone. He is growing up way to fast! However, he is in such a fun age right now. Discovering everything! He is starting to army crawl, starting to pull himself up on things, has started to walk around things. We are trying to introduce different textures in his meals. We have discovered he is pretty picky...which he got from me!

I can't imagine life with out Dakota. I do remember it however. The pain is still there. I'll never forget the babies that we lost. They are in our hearts forever. Dakota is such a happy baby. He smiles all the time! He is such a joy! I knew life would change, but nothing can prepare you for the love you feel for your child. I am so overwhelmed with emotion many times. I look at him and think..."I never thought I would see the day when I could call someone my son!". Well, we are here! I have a son and he will call me mommy some day. I'm pretty sure that will bring tears to my eyes the first time he calls me that!

I pray that if you are going through infertility and feel that there is no hope, please don't give up. I  know that's a lot easier said than done. I also know that the holiday season is often the 2nd hardest time of the year to deal with empty hands (Mother's day being the hardest). I'm praying that you find peace this season in ways that you never expected. God is with you! I promise! Even when he seems far away, He is still there. He always will be!

Have a very Merry Christmas and a blessed New Year!
Love, Scott, Jamie and Dakota!

Sunday, August 31, 2014

Ok...so if you are a parent, you know why it is has been so long since I have written. Life is so crazy busy!! However...I wouldn't trade it for the world! Dakota is beyond a blessing. He is 5 months old now! I can't believe how fast time goes. He is eating baby food now, just started rolling over and is almost always smiling. I still can't believe I have a son. They said that life would never be the same, they were not kidding! I absolutely can't imagine life with out him.

When we were in the midst of our infertility journey, I had always thought that if we were ever blessed with a child, I would be much happier. That the pain of infertility would just go away and life would be grand. That is not the case at all. In fact, it's almost harder being on this side of infertility than I ever had dreamed. It's hard knowing some of my friends are still dreaming of having a child. Now that Dakota is here, the pain that aches for these friends is so much greater. It hurts because he brings us so much joy that I want my friends to enjoy it too.

Now...I must add that as much of a joy that Dakota is...it's not all easy. His nighttime routine has been less than desirable. I know that this is normal as a baby...but I was not prepared for getting up 5-6 times a night for a few months straight! This is currently our evening ritual. Then he smiles at me, and melts my heart. He knows how to get me already! :)

Well, I guess that's it for now. Hopefully it won't be as long before I can get back on here. However...we all know that works!


Saturday, May 10, 2014

Mother's Day...

Well...I never thought I would be able to celebrate Mother's Day with my own child...but this year I do!! Dakota Richard was born on March 28, 2014 at 1:50 in the afternoon. We had to have a c-section due to the fact he was breech. His head was up...it's supposed to be down! So, the only option was a c-section. I didn't care how he was getting out...as long as he was healthy. Which ever was the safest for him.

I will start with the night before he was born. Scott and I were able to enjoy a nice date night out to dinner with just the two of us. It was very surreal knowing that it was our last night as a family of two. The next day our lives would change forever. I actually did get some sleep Thursday night. I didn't think I would...but God knew that i needed it!

Friday morning I woke up before Scott and had a chance to sit and reflect on the past 5 years and where we have come from. I really couldn't believe that we were at delivery day! There were a lot of fears that surrounded me that morning. But I knew that God had the whole day in His hands just like He had the past 5 years in His hands. Why doubt Him now? Because I am human...and the enemy knew what to put into my head to make me anxious and fearful about the upcoming day.

We had to be at the hospital by 11:30 and my surgery was scheduled for 1:30. Laying in triage, I was doing pretty well. Baby was moving great still. I was ok until the doctor came in at about 1:15 and said, ok...we are ready to go! That's when it really hit me. This is it...this is the moment we have waited a long time for. We were finally going to meet our miracle!

I get into the OR, they get me drugged up, hooked up, and laid on the table and then I wait. Scott came in to be by my side and we waited together. It didn't take long before I heard, 'Ok...here he is!" I waited for the cry...I heard a girggle. They put him on the warming table quickly because he wasn't crying. I looked over with tears flowing, and saw my son for the 1st time (and so begins the tears again...). He was a little blue, and not crying. But it didn't take much time for that first cry to be heard. And then he didn't stop! It was the best thing that I had ever heard!! I kept looking at him thinking..."that just came out of me! That's our son!! That's our miracle!" Truly an out of body experience!

The next few hours were a blur. I was able to kiss Dakota for the first time before they finished sowing me up. Before I knew it, they were finished, Dakota was laying on my chest, and we were being wheeled away to recovery. We were in recovery for a few hours. My parents were able to come in and meet their newest grandson for the first time. Priceless moments!! I would do it all over again in a heartbeat!

We were moved to our postpartam room after a few hours in recovery. That is where many family and friends came to meet out rainbow! (A rainbow baby is a baby born after miscarriage/infant loss). Many tears flowed and the people that had been praying for us and with us.

It's hard to believe that it's been 6 weeks since he was born. It has been a whirlwind! I am amazed at how much I could love someone like I love him! God truly has been so good to us. There are no words to thank Him for what He has given us. Thank you to all that have been praying for us over in our journey. We are ever so grateful!

That's all for now...Dakota is calling me...;) Happy Mother's day to those who are mothers and those who long to be mothers. My heart is with you ladies this weekend! Love you lots!!

Wednesday, February 12, 2014

Home stretch

Well...today marks 34 blessed weeks of being pregnant! Words cannot express how crazy that sounds to say that! We only have 6ish weeks left! (give or take! :) )What?!? How did that go by so fast??  When we started this trying to conceive (TTC) journey, we had no idea how long it would be. However...looking back over the past 5+ years, I would not trade it for the world. Were the miscarriages painful? Of course...very much so! Still are! Those are our babies! What about each month that passed with that negative pregnancy test? So painful!! Who knew that one pink line could do so much damage to your heart! However...now that I am pregnant with our miracle...and we are this far, I can appreciate the miracle of life so much more. So many women take for granted getting pregnant, getting sick, having a growing belly that is moving uncontrollably because of a tiny life that is inside of them. They complain about the stretch marks that many women would do anything to have! Are they pretty? No...not really. But I LOVE them!! It means that my body is doing what is was created to do! Finally! Stretching and making room for a new life.

I can't begin to imagine what God has in store for our lives with this little man when he arrives. He has been so incredibly faithful to us that I want to make sure to give Him ALL the glory for this miracle. Our miracle rainbow baby. (A rainbow baby is a baby born after miscarriage/infant loss). Even though this child doesn't have a name yet (he really doesn't...we haven't agreed on one yet!), he is loved more than he will ever know!

One of the biggest things that I have gotten out of this journey so far, is the ability to use what God has taught me and help others that are currently struggling. I hate that we have been through it, but I love that I can honestly say to someone," I know what you are going through"! I know that there are no words that I can say to them that will make it easier or take the pain away. But sometimes just being that one person that has experienced it and says nothing...is all you need!  It is hard sometimes to be on this end of it...even though it is the whole point of the journey. It's hard to talk to some ladies that are still childless. I know how much it hurts to want something so bad...and it just isn't happening. I truly dislike the words "It will happen in God's time". Yes...I know that...but it doesn't take the pain away! I have had MANY words with Him over the years. And you know what? He wants to hear them! He wants to hear the pain and the frustration that I have. That's what He is there for!! Believe you me...he knew how frustrated I was! I still am...for many of my friends that are going through the pain and struggle of TTC. It sometimes hurts worse seeing the ones I love feeling the pain that I did. I hope they know this! I also hope they know that I am here!! Anytime!!

As I come to a close...and I feel this little man stretching on the inside...a lot...it occurs to me that this is probably the last time I will write before he makes his appearance! That is so crazy to say!! I will be honest...it is so scary to think of how our lives are about to change. But at the same time...I can't wait to hold this miracle in my arms. I know there will be no words...and I am beyond ecstatic for that! Please continue to pray for us as the birth of our miracle child is coming soon. Pray for a healthy (and easy ;)  ) delivery and baby. I look forward to updating with our newest addition!! Thank you all for the prayers already...they can be felt daily!!