Thursday, November 23, 2017

Happy Thanksgiving?

Well, its Thanksgiving today...although, I'm finding it kind of hard to be thankful this year. Its been one of the hardest years that I can recall ever having.

Back in July 15, my grandpa passed away.

9 weeks later on September 22, his wife of 72 years, joined him in heaven.

November 9 was the two year angelversary of when our baby nephew, Denver passed away

November 11, we were very shocked to find out we were pregnant! Had some blood tests done. The numbers did rise, not as fast as we would have liked, but they still rose.

November 19, we lost a very close friend of ours to sepsis. He was so young, with a young family. He was like a brother to us.

November 20, I found out that my HCG numbers had dropped. I was losing another baby.

Today, thanksgiving 2017, I woke up with horrible cramps. I am officially miscarrying...for the 8th time.

I've never wanted to stay home on this holiday more than I do today. At the same time...I know that with family is where I need to be. To be surrounded by loved ones that we often take for granted. When I put Dakota to bed last night, I laid with him and watched him fall asleep. Then I studied his face for a bit. In awe of the blessing that God has entrusted us with. And ashamed of how angry I am at God...for putting us through all this pain lately. For blessing us with another pregnancy just to rip it away again.

Is it possible to be so angry at Someone, and yet be so incredibly grateful to that same Someone at the same time? I believe it is...I believe it is because that's where I am right now. I know God has my best interest at heart. I know that He is close to the broken hearted. I know that He has the best plans for me. But did that have to include another angel? Did He really have to take another child from me?

To some people its just "two pink lines". To me...as soon as I see those two lines...and hear those numbers...I have big dreams for that blessing! I dream about how we are going to tell people. I calculate when we would be able to find out the gender. I dream about watching Kota be the big brother that he is literally praying for. He prayed to Jesus a few months ago and asked Him to make him a big brother. Which makes this one that much harder. It rips my heart out that I can't give that to him right now.

Today I ask you to pray for those that are hurting because they have lost a loved one. Especially for those who have to face their first holiday without them. I ask you to pray for us, as we navigate through another miscarriage. I honestly can't believe that we are going there again. One thing that gives me hope...can you imagine the greeting that we are going to have when we get to heaven? I can't wait to be smothered by all my babies. As much as I would rather have them here with me, it is comforting to know that they are waiting for me up there! Enjoy your time with family and friends today. Hold them closer...you never know when it will be your last hold!

Thursday, February 2, 2017

What will this year bring?

Well, we made it. We made it another year. We made it to 2017. And let me tell you...the first month of this new year has been a doozy! We went into the year finally getting over the upper respiratory crud that hung on for way to long (about 7 weeks for me). Just in time for me to slip on the ice (not all the way down, but almost did the splits) . I thought I just pulled some muscles. Well, its been about 4 weeks since I did that and I am still dealing with back pain. (Working on fixing that) Then, Dakota got puke bug, then mommy got it, then daddy got it, then Kota got it again. All in about a 2 week span. Seriously...ridiculous. Oh..and on Jan 11, Scott smashed his finger at work and broke it! Its healing very well, but not without multiple trips to the Dr for different reasons (including and infection in the finger).

It is now February, and I am ready. Ready for a better month, a healthier month hopefully. Please hear me...I know that I am very blessed with the life that we have. I know that it could be so much worse and I do NOT take that for granted. I am reminded daily (on social media specifically) how much worse some people have it. This doesn't mean that I can't be mentally, emotionally, physically, and spiritually exhausted. I have such a longing to be pregnant again and give Dakota a sibling. With all of these set backs, I just keep getting discouraged. I feel so defeated. I wanted God to give us a clear direction and I guess as long as my back is still in pain, then that's pretty clear. I don't want to add to the pain by getting pregnant.

Many people make new years resolutions. I never really have. This year I wanted to be more content with what God has given me. With my family, our house, our jobs, etc. It's one month in, and I'm not doing a very good job at being content! The enemy knows when I'm at my weakest and most vulnerable and he attacks! I'm believing that its because God has some big things in store and Satan is trying to distract me from Gods work.

I leave you with a new song that I learned yesterday. Its been replaying in my head all day. I am pretty sure God wants me to hear Him through this...I pray that it helps someone else too!

YOUR MERCY - Vertical Church Band
I once was lost I walked away
The road was dark I could not see
My hope was gone the pain was real
But your mercy

You saw my steps you felt my fears
You head my cries you caught my tears
Arms open wide you ran to me
with your mercy

Your mercy, Your mercy
I stand before my king
And I bow my heart to sing
you save me you raise me
you died so I could live
no greater love than this
Your mercy

You gave me life beyond the grave
My deepest shame is cast away
You sing a song that covers me
It's your mercy

Your loving kindness
It leads me to repentance
Your loving Kindness
It leads me to repentance

Wednesday, December 14, 2016

'Tis the Season...

I can't believe we are coming up on another Christmas already! I feel like we just started the new year! They weren't kidding when they said "when you have kids, time goes faster!"

Life with a toddler...is a huge roller coaster. Some times he is so much fun, and makes us laugh, Other times... not so much! He's stubborn, persistant, and exhausting. (Wait...that kind of sounds like his mother.) Which would be why we clash so often. Regardless, I can't imagine life without him.. He will be 3 in March! (What?!?) Life is definitely an adventure with Kota around!

On top of dealing with a busy, almost 3 year old, the holidays are a hard time in dealing with the grieving of the loss of our angels. Many people announcing pregnancies, seeing ultrasound pictures. Seeing new babies. I am beyond excited for all of them...but it stings! Our last angel would be due on December 29. With that quickly approaching, all my feelings of anger, bitterness and pain, are creeping in. Its just not fair!! I know "Life isn't fair"...I say that to the kids all the time! However, it seems harder to accept as an adult. I've had the opportunity to talk with a counselor over the past few months and she has helped tremendously in seeing things differently and helping me process our journey and begin to heal from it all. I'm far from "fixed", but I think I'm making great progress. Part of that healing is taking a break from it all. From trying, from the meds, from all of it. We are going to revisit the Baby #2 talk after the new year and decide what to do from there. We've been praying that God makes it very clear to us whether we continue trying for our own, biological child, or if its time for us to visit other routes of building our family.

We humbly ask that our friends and family be in prayer for us as well. Prayers for clarity and direction. We want to do what God wants us to do...not what we want! Waiting on God's timing is a very hard thing to do...especially since all we've done is waited! In the end, we know it will be all worth it.

Thank you for reading! Thank you also for the prayers. They are so greatly appreciated. We hope you have an incredible Christmas season and a Happy New Year! Here's to 2017! May it be our year!




Thursday, September 1, 2016

Unexpected feelings

It's been a while since I've last posted. And to be honest, I wasn't sure if I wanted to write about this. However, I am praying that by sharing some thoughts it will help someone else...and help myself at the same time.

Anxiety. This is a word that I never thought I would ever experience...I'm not sure why I thought I was exempt from it. Maybe because I thought that because of my faith if Christ, I wouldn't go through this. You know what I discovered? Yes, I am a child of God...but I am also human! Who has hormones and experiences that feed into the anxiety. 

Some of you will have no idea what I am talking about. But there are others who will...and as I have found out, I am not alone! And neither are you! 

What is anxiety? Well, for me, its a feeling of drowning. Of suffocating in the thoughts of something terrible happening to my loved ones. I'm constantly consumed by imaginary tragedies that "could" happen. I am always anticipating a phone call from someone saying that someone I love is gone. Forever. It chokes me. I'm sure a lot of it stems from the things that have already happened in my life. The loss of grandparents, beloved aunts, a precious nephew, as well as my own 7 angels that were only with me a very short time. 

This is something that I was ashamed of for a while. I was ashamed to admit that in some ways, I was doubting God! I KNOW He has a plan for me. I also know that I've tried to "fix" these feelings on my own...and it's not working! Once I admitted it to some of my closest friends and family, I felt a huge weight lifted. Why? Because now it wasn't eating me from the inside out. Now, those that know, can hold me accountable for taking the next step in healing. They also now can pray specifically for me. And surround me with the love and support that I so desperately need. I had to accept the fact that no one that loves me, will judge me for the feelings that I am experiencing. 

With all this being said, I'm asking for prayers. Prayers that this constant anxiety and fear of trauma will go away! Its so consuming. Prayers that God's direction is made clear.  There are a lot of things right now that we are unclear about. Just looking for peace with the decisions. 

Thank you all for your love and support. It means so much to me to know who I can go to when I am hurting!

Tuesday, May 24, 2016

Angel #7

Well...here I am again. I was hoping to be sharing some exciting news this time. However, God has different plans than I do...imagine that! We found out yesterday that we are miscarrying our 7th angel.

Let me back up a bit though and fill you in. We met with the fertility specialist back in March. He's the same one we used to get pregnant with Dakota. He decided to put me on the same meds that I was on for him too. So, the plan was to wait for my next cycle to start and begin the meds. Well, my cycle never started. I honestly didn't even think pregnancy was a possibility...and it shouldn't have been! But I won't go into detail about that. The point is, I shouldn't have been able to get pregnant at all. But, in true God fashion, He decided to show me that I am not in control (imagine that!)! I had had all the fertility meds that I was going to be needing, filled. Everything was waiting for that moment! So, to say I was shocked when the tests came back positive is an understatement. Over the next few weeks, I had a number of blood draws where we saw my numbers rise. Not as fast as the dr would have liked, but they still rose. May 4th we had an ultrasound to see where things were. We saw the baby with a strong heartbeat of 119 at about 6 weeks gestation. We were thrilled! I should add that from the moment I found out about this baby, I was feeling so confident, so at peace that this one was it. We would be holding our child sometime by the end of the year.

Fast forward to last thursday. I had some spotting...my worst fear was possibly happening AGAIN! I was 8 weeks that day. I prayed, and cried, and begged and pleaded with God to spare this child. I knew He was very capable of doing so. If He chose to. The weekend was quite the rollercoaster. The spotting was on and off all weekend. I called my dr on Monday and they had me come in for an emergency ultrasound. I was very scared. I prayed the whole way to the dr. I knew that it was very possible that the baby was fine that that the spotting was from something different. However, the ultrasound found something different. No more baby...just a sac. No more little flicker...the one I cherished so much. Here we go again. Are we really doing this again? I don't want to do this again. I don't have a choice. Here we go!

The only thing that is getting me through this...other than the incredible friends and family that we have behind us praying for us and supporting us...is the promise that God has plans that are MUCH better than I can ever imagine. I know it hurts Him to see me in pain like this again. He's not doing this to hurt me. I truly believe that with all my heart. It's so complicated to think about...but I know that He loves me. Always has...always will. I'm not angry at Him. I can't be! I look at Dakota and know how faithful He is. I know that He will be faithful again. He always comes through. Especially in the tough times.

Having said that, it still hurts. Physically and emotionally. The grieving process is so unpredictable. I never know what will trigger the tears. How long the tears will last. Sometimes what triggers it one time...might not trigger them the next time. I just never know.

On that note...I'll end with our prayer requests. Besides the loss of our pregnancy, please pray for my emotions and having to still be a mommy and a wife! I don't want to take out the frustration on them. It's not their fault and Kota has no idea whats going on. Please pray for the physical aspect as well. Until it all stops, its a constant reminder of what is happening. It's a slap in the face every time...and that makes it hard.

Thank you to all who have been praying for us and supporting us on our journey. We wouldn't be where we are today with out you!

Tuesday, January 26, 2016

Something different.

I'm going to start by saying that this post is different than I usually write. This is strictly my opinion and it is not meant to dis anyone for there opinions. I completely respect others who do not agree. I've had some things on my mind and I need to get them out. :) So hear goes nothing!

I am not a cook. I do not know how to make gourmet, 3 course meals. Fortunately my family doesn't expect that...or need that! I used to be concerned about what others would think if they knew what I was feeding my family. I don't mean it's all junk food and sugar. However, I am that mom that will make Hamburger Helper and boxed corn muffins for dinner. Or Kraft mac and cheese with hot dogs cut up in it Or frozen pizza. Ya know why? Because that's what I know how to make. And ya know what? My family is happy, healthy, and fed. We love meat...most kinds. We also drink milk! A lot of milk! I know some of you are probably cringing at these admissions. Honestly, I don't care! Here's my thought...there are kids in other countries that would love to eat hamburger helper. It sure beats the mud pies that they had for lunch. They don't care if it is Gluten free, GMO free, or anything else free. (Now, I understand that there are allergies in the mix too...I'm not talking about that) I'm sure there are also lots of kids that would love the milk to drink. It sure beats the dirty water that they had to walk miles to get. I am so incredibly grateful that God has blessed us with a roof over our heads, clean water, and plenty of food...all kinds of food...to feed my family with. We take so much for granted. I'm guilty...

Now, let me say this...I have the utmost respect for those of you who can cook great meals. I'd love to be able to be creative like many of you are. I also have respect for those who are concerned about what your food contains (or doesn't contain). The point I'm trying to make, is that what I feed my family, is my business. It's not anyone else's place to make us feel like horrible people for feeding them what we do.

Thank you for listening! Have a great day! :)

Friday, October 9, 2015

Deja Vu

I feel like I have written this post before. Oh wait...I have..

We went in on Wednesday for our 8 week ultrasound to check on baby. I hadn't had any reason to believe that anything was wrong. I was still feeling pregnant. Had the symptoms. However, as soon as the ultrasound started, I knew. I thought..."Here we go again.", "This is happening again.". I knew that our baby was gone. I knew by the size that it wasn't much bigger than it was two weeks ago at our 1st u/s. I didn't see that little flicker. I could also tell by the look on the tech's face, that we had lost the baby. We had lost our 6th baby. The tech called a dr in to confirm what I already knew. He said, "I'm sorry, but there is no heartbeat." I had already been crying by this point. I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs..."Why are You doing this to us again?!?"

If I'm going to be honest, I wasn't completely shocked. I kind of knew something wasn't right after the first u/s. I knew based on my calculations, that it was almost impossible for me to only be 6 weeks pregnant at that point. I had known for almost 4 weeks by then. It just didn't add up. So for the past two weeks, it was already in my head that this one might not be ok. However, everyone else kept saying that it would be fine. That I was worried about nothing. That we would be fine and that we would have a healthy baby in May. So, now, I find myself trying not to be upset with everyone else who was giving me hope. I know it's not their fault. They can't force feelings of fear and doubt. I know that they can never have the same feelings that I do during a pregnancy. The fear that I will ALWAYS have during pregnancy.

Its crazy how much of an emotional roller coaster you can be on in such a short time. Wednesday I was angry. I was angry at God for doing this again. Angry and numb. I wasn't shocked, but I was numb. Thursday it hurt. It hurt very bad. I kind of just went through the day in a daze. Fortunately I had flowers to do for a wedding, so I had something to keep me busy. Otherwise I could have easily spent the whole day in bed crying. On top of the emotional pain, the cramping started. The process of officially miscarrying the baby had begun. Each cramp feels like a stab in the heart. Reminding me that our baby is dead.

I think that's all I'll write for now. I could go off...but I'm not sure that's the smartest thing right now. Please be in prayer for us as we go through this journey again. Pray for the emotional pain as well as the physical pain. It's going to be a long few weeks as we go through this and decide on our next step. Pray also that anger doesn't get a big hold of me. I know it's part of the grieving process, but I don't want to stay there. Thank you all for your love and support. We could not make it through this without you.